Need some outside opinions.

[buzz6]

I have had so many different replies to this questions from friends and family, so I thought I would go outside of my circle and see what people thought on the subject.


I met this girl. We have talked everyday for about a week. She is really beautiful and I love the conversations we have. We were discussing getting together for the weekend and she dropped this little bomb on me.

She mentioned that she may have herpes. She said awhile back she had a bump. Went and got tested and it came back positive for herpes. She said she was told that if she had a yeast infection or just an infection she could get a false positive. She said she never went back to be rechecked. She said she never had any outbreaks other then that just 1 bump.

It is difficult for me because I have became attached to her. But I have had 5 sex partners in my life, and have never had an STD. Now if this is the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life wife, this may not be an issue. However I cannot see the future and not much last forever anymore. So if we split up and I became infected with herpes, then my future relationships would suffer.

I thought about asking her if she would be retested. I would go with her and get tested as well, just to put her at ease. I would think if she cared for me, this small request of being retested should not be a difficult task.

I know very little about herpes. Am I in the right to be worried?

[teasemepls]

any kind a of a std is enough to be worried about. both of you should go get tested. this way she gets the piece of mind that she may not have it and you get a knowing if you do. personally i don't know to much about herpees either but, from what i have seen you can live a normal life with it now. best of luck to you and your gf.

[buzz6]

I was married for 13 years, so I am pretty sure I don't have anything. However, if anything becomes physical with the new girl, I would like to know. That is why I would offer to get tested with her.

I really think though, if she is not willing to get retested, I will just walk away.

[teasemepls]

well if you have slept with her already even once you need to get checked. and dont walk away form it keep pushing it and make sure he needs to know and so do you.

[Donna]

ummm  yeah..... sorry, can't concentrate on the question, I am mesmerised by your avatar...... 

[buzz6]

We have not slept together yet. We have been texting for about a week now. We were planning on spending the weekend together until this subject popped up. I do feel a little entrapment going on, I feel this subject should have came up much earlier in the getting to know each other process.

I do think without the test there will be no playing.

[WetPussy]

Both of you should he tested.  And why would she risk the possibility of possibly infecting a person who does not want to be infected.  She needs to understand.  It's true that you can live with herpes normally thru your life as long as you are not dating around anymore.  There are a lot of people out there who think just like you and who do not wish to get infected.  She has a doubt, the mature responsible thing to do is to make sure she's not passing on to you a virus that lasts a lifetime.

[damage]

Because of my past and where I've been around the world my wife pretty much insisted on seeing my test results before we got in bed.  In this day and age, I don't think it's out of line to ask to see such results.  She's already indicated that she's had an outbreak........and it is the gift that keeps on giving.  On the other hand a good friend of mine was dating a girl with herpes for a LONG time.....years.....and the managed for him not to get it.  Personally, it's not a risk I'd be willing to take, I don't care how cool she is.  But, at least she told you, so you know her character is better than most you'll meet.

[naughtee31]

Go for the test- if you plan to spend your life with the woman this test will be only one of the small things you will need to deal with together. I am at work in my phone so I can't access a good link I have for how to deal with living with a partner with herpes, but will try to post later. I work in HIV field and this is a question that comes up all the time - what will insisting on a test mean for us and how can I live with a partner who might be infected. Good news is that having herpes doesn't spell the end of your relationship - but distrust and worry will.

[Mani]

I do feel a little entrapment going on, I feel this subject should have came up much earlier in the getting to know each other process.

You ought to pay attention to this feeling. If you are feeling entrapped there's a reason and it may not be what you think (it may be about YOU, not her).

I am of the old-school opinion that in the context of a possible relationship (as opposed to a fling), you should never go to bed with a woman until you are fully 100% percent comfortable with who they are, and never, ever, override a nagging doubt.

Giving that you seem to be talking about a relationship, not a fling, being sexually intimate after a week is rushing things, because there is no realistic way to know the character and stability of this woman after only a week. NO WAY AT ALL. Dude! Read that again!

All you can know practically, realistically after a week is that you think you could be interested in a long term relationship with this woman. And in that context, her disclosure to you quite timely.

My advice is cool your jets and take it slow until you feel totally comfortable. Part of that includes getting tested (and perhaps again if the results are indecisive). Part of it involves educating yourself about herpes so you know what the realities are if she turns out to have it. But mostly it means learning about her and seeing how she does her life and if she is in general a woman of character and honor. (It never hurts to look within yourself to see if you are being the same kind of man). If she is truly a woman of character, then you have a gem, and you would be well advised to learn how to be intimate with her without contracting herpes. (It can be done).

Mani
Site Fossil

[naughtee31]

Site fossil you speak wise words

Here are a few links : nothing a google search wouldn't bring up. I post them simply to show that it is possible to live a happy and fulfilling life despite an STD and it doesn't need to be the end of your relationship.

http://www.thefacts.com.au/living-with-herpes/my-partner-has-herpes.asp

http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/partner-faq#

Be careful not to judge her too harshly or too quickly. Disclosing something of this nature is not easy, even if it's just a "I might....". It takes a maturity and courage to bring it up to someone who, let's face it, she doesn't really know that well. Put yourself in her shoes.

Good luck and read and reread all the advice here

[buzz6]

I wasn't looking to jump into bed this weekend. I just meant we were suppose to meet this weekend, but sometimes things happen quickly and without thinking. She didn't tell me she might have them. She made a comment the other day and after thinking about it awhile I asked her to clarify. Then she told me. I asked her how long she was going to wait to tell me? Wait until I have fallen in love with her and then say by the way.


But I told her today if she wanted a future together would she get tested? I told her I would go and get tested with her so we would know how we both were. She refused. I told her that she is asking me too make a huge commitment and she cannot take 1 test. She said she was not asking me to make a commitment, if we are to be together forever. I said forever is not a guarantee, I know when I say forever I mean it, but I don't know your definition of forever.

I then told her if she could not take the test, then I will not being meeting her this weekend. Have not talked to her since.


I do want a long lasting relationship. I thought I had that with my ex-wife. So I know in this day and age, forever doesn't mean what it use to.

[Cumalone]

I think this played out well. She was honest, and is still telling you she's not into the commitment much, at least not enough to get tested.
BTW Herpes may be the commonest STD at this time.
If you do not want to get infected the decision has been made and said already.
I also think you've both been adult/ mature and open about it.

[buzz6]

That was what I was trying to explain to her about the testing. It was not like I wanted her to get tested so we could hook up this weekend. I wanted US to be tested before we got to that intimate stage though. So with her being unwilling to testing, I didn't feel she was willing to put in what I was for the relationship.

I know we only talked for a week, but it was one of those weeks where we talked like into the weee hours of the morning and really clicked on a lot of subjects.

[naughtee31]

I'm glad you talked, it's always the best way. I understand your frustration and I'm not trying to minimise your experience, but please don't let your experience with your ex wife cloud your perception of this lady. Yes you talked, yes you clicked. And within a week she felt comfortable enough to tell you about it but not to immediately want to go for a test (with you). Again, don't judge her too harshly for this. You may have taken it as an indication of her not wanting to commit "forever" but different people have different understandings of this! You feel hurt. Perhaps you feel vulnerable. And rejected. But you need to respect her wishes in this and try not to take it as a personal insult. In this case it's about her, not you so try not to let your ego bruise too much. However you have a right to make informed decisions about your sex life and it's great that you have made that decision.

Hope you can move on and up :-)