Lady with self confidence issues

[Justsomeguy]

Hey there, new to the forum. Been married 10+ years. Happy as can be, but wife has been super self conscious lately. She has never been all that into hands being part of foreplay, but for the last year or so she hasn't even liked oral. One exception, she lets it all hang out if she has had pot.

What I want to know is what can I do to get that lady to come out without pot?  Keep in mind things are good, I just want to spice things up more than once every few months.

[Mani]

Have you asked her about it? If so, what does she say?

[Justsomeguy]

She says she is not sure.  I think she has self image issues and that her inhibitions are lower when she is stoned. When she drinks it can be similar as well. She is always saying she wants to loose weight, but I think she looks great.

[Mani]

Well, that's not much to go on. So far, it sounds like communications are not very good. The only way you can work stuff like this out is to figure out how to talk about it! Are you sure you're both on the same page about wanting things to be different? Maybe she's fine with things the way they are.

[Justsomeguy]

Well, that's not much to go on. So far, it sounds like communications are not very good. The only way you can work stuff like this out is to figure out how to talk about it! Are you sure you're both on the same page about wanting things to be different? Maybe she's fine with things the way they are.

Could be. I guess I just want more of the let loose stuff. It is just a tad confusing when sex is one way sober and another when under the influence. I would like the two to meet occasionally. As for communication, we talk a lot but she gets pretty uncomfortable if I bring it up,too much. Maybe this is just me making a mountain of a mole hill...

[naughtee31]

I seem to recall there was a similar thread around this... I'm on my phone so can't really look properly, have a poke around... I think it will contain some useful advice.

[WetPussy]

It's been 10 years so what she might like about being stoned and having sex with you is simply the ability to feel more and the easiness to climax.  Her body might have gotten used to you and she might have difficulty getting more aroused and climaxing without the extra help.  Feeling better about her self might definitely help her confidence an if you think weight might be one of the issues engage her on activities to help her shed a few lbs.  Just be sensitive and choose carefully, don't come home telling her "honey I think you should hit the gym three times a week", instead plan a time together where you can go for a walk to see the sunset, or walk the dogs, or go bike riding at the park together etc.  This will allow you to spend sometime together and help her get back to her self.  Watch the meals, if she cooks, tell her you want to add more salads and greens or make some meals a week your self that are healthy, take her out to eat to a healthy place where she might find something she enjoys that can be repeated at home.

As for the bed area, I agree with the responses above communication is the key, try different approaches to the foreplay you already do, would adding a toy be ok?  And never ever forget about the clit, either manually massage it right on top of the hood or let her use a vibrator to do it her self, or find positions where your pubic bones are rubbing her during penetration.

Hope this helps!

[Justsomeguy]

That could be the frustrating part. We have bought toys and use them seldomly. I love foreplay and she seems disinterested. Not that she doesn't enjoy sex at all, but getting out of the same routine every time is tough. Thanks for the responses!  It is nice to talk about it and hear others views.

[Hush_Now]

I agree with Mani and Wet Pussy--communication is very important, and it sounds as if she is holding back for a reason she might not even be able to verbalize.  I'm wondering if the two of you happen to have young children. If so, maybe she is really exhausted. I've seen a few of my friends with young kids and they are really pooped--it's never ending work. Also, after babies lots of women feel less attractive because their bodies have undergone so many big changes. I like Wet Pussy's suggestion about healthier eating and gentler, day to day exercise. If you happen to need to lose a few pounds, ask her to help you with that and maybe she will do the same. WP also had good ideas about foreplay.

One of the interesting things about this site is learning from other people. I've heard a lot of people talk about the difficulty in keeping their sex lives lively and exciting after 10 years or even more. I've also heard a lot of men claim that their wives or girlfriends have just lost interest. Maybe it could be hormonal. Does she see her doctor regularly? Depression or worry? All those things dampen interest in sex.

Last, the toy suggestion is still a good one. Maybe ask her to help you choose a toy for yourself, like a Fleshlite. She might surprise you by taking an interest in providing you with a fun outlet and acknowledge its need b/c she has lost interest in sex. Online shopping for a toy could be fun. Just put the idea out there and see how it goes. Good luck with this, JSG. You sound like a good guy who really loves his wife and wants her to be happy. I'm sure others will contribute more suggestions.

Hush_Now 

[bogan]

I can relate to what you're saying having been in exactly the same position. I have to ask one thing that no one else has touched on. You say she isn't in to 'hands on' foreplay and has lost interest in oral. If this is the case, how do you initiate sex? (Ie: warm her up) Who makes the first move? Is it always you and do you use the same approach everytime? There may be a clue here. Nothing like introducing new ideas but as everyone has said, communication (Ie:- asking her, suggesting things that you think she might like etc)
As Hush_Now mentions, are there kids involved, could it be hormonal, how old is she? Could be a combination of lots of little things. Do you socialize and what do you do that might be considered 'romantic' that could be a turn on for her? Having experienced it, self image is HUGE with ladies and has been responsible for many relationship problems. Seems like nothing you say or do makes a difference.
If real estate is all about location, location, location, a satisfying sex life is all about communication, communication, communication.
Everything said so far is sound advice and the right combination may just work for you.
And no, I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Sex is a very important part of any loving relationship.
Good luck and whatever you do, don't stop trying.

[Justsomeguy]

Yes we have a 3 year old. I am sure that is part of it. Also, the initiation generally is "you wanna have sex?".

"Sure"

That is the problem. It does not get me overly excited and makes it hard to want to "get into it".

The main way I have been able to initiate is with a bubble bath and some wine. Seems to work well, but it always ends up in one of a few positions.

[Mani]

OK. Well I'm getting a better idea of the situation and I'm going to suggest something I don't usually suggest ... a book!

This book happens to be practically the "go-to" resource for marriage counselors confronted with sexual intimacy issues in the context of a marriage or other committed relationship.

I personally think it is recommended a little TOO often by therapists not so comfortable talking to their clients about fucking, lol.

All the same, it is a really good book and I think the OP will gain  some understanding and find some approaches that will help.

(And if you get it, I'd recommend leaving the book out where it can be discovered and read by your wife ... she may well find it interesting as well!)

"The Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships" by David Schnarch

http://passionatemarriage.com/passionatemarriage/about-book

"Dr. David goes beyond simply curing sexual dysfunctions to show couples how to grow closer in their marriage. Bringing passion to your love life involves more than mood music and clever techniques. In PASSIONATE MARRIAGE: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, he makes available to the general public his highly successful and untraditional approach to sex and marital therapy. He reveals how a passionate sex life requires each person to face the anxiety of defining himself/herself while getting closer to their partner, a process he calls differentiation.

Differentiation involves changing the way we think about marriage: Instead of seeing it as the merging of two people into one, as has often been taught, we must learn to maintain a sense of ourselves as distinct from our partner in order to become closer to him/her. Gaining more differentiation is not easy-and Dr. David warns that any "expert" who promises Eros and intimacy in ten easy steps should not be trusted. Sexual encounters provide perfect opportunities to differentiate and develop the strength to love deeply."

"Passionate Marriage is about resilience rather than damage, health rather than old wounds, intimacy and eroticism rather than techniques, and human potential rather than trauma." ~ Dr. David Schnarch

[Justsomeguy]

Just a little follow up. Got the wife in the gym, had some long talks and a little MJ for her along with her reading 50 shades and what a difference. Trying a few new things and everything is going great. Turns out I should have tied her up years ago!!!