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Author *Topic: Cheating saved my marriage.  (Read 6856 times)
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sumit_melb(2)
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Anonymous
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« on: June 18, 2014, 09:28:08 PM »

So, Im posting this just to throw it out there.  Im sure it will cause a rift and some seriously polarized opinions, but please believe that causing any sort of turmoil here is not my intention.  The statements as I am presenting them are my personal feelings on the subject.  I am not asking you to agree with me, nor argue with my opinions, but I am open to hear other opinions. 
And the main premise behind the post is....

Cheating on my wife saved my marriage.

I realize that with that one statement, people will instantly see me as a horrible person, and a terrible husband with no concern at all for his wife.  And they would be wrong.  I love my wife with every part of my being.  She is a wonderful person, a great mother, and is the only person I have ever seen myself living with until the day one of us dies.

So, if she's so perfect, why did I cheat on her?

We got married fairly young.  I was 20, she was 19.  And we had a marriage that was just about as perfect as it could be, despite the warnings we got from family members saying we were too young, and it would never last.  Being in the military meant several weeks away from each other before the months long deployments.  Those extended periods of being away strengthened our marriage.  Not to mention the fact that she was a fireball in the bed.  So much so, there were some nights that I had to say no more.  After 3 hours, I just couldnt do any more.  Over the years, as most couples do, we had sex less and less.  Even when I transitioned to a civilian lifestyle, it was obvious to us that nothing could hurt our relationship.   
Until I lost my job.  Soon after getting out of the military, I found a job with a large utilities provider as a contractor.  Each contract term was 6 months, and the employer hadnt terminated a contract for any contractor in my field for several years.  However, when my third term was up, two of us did not receive a renewal.  So, I went from breadmaker to caretaker.  By this point, we had three beautiful children, with the youngest being almost a year old.  She worked part time as an office assistant at a grocery store.  Losing my $80k a year and replacing it with her part time salary was a huge blow to us financially.  Even when she started working every available moment to try to make ends meet.  It was during all of this that her sex drive went from low to nonexistent.  Usually, you hear of the woman turning into the emotional one that says "Is something wrong with me?"  "Am I not attractive anymore?"  This time, it was me who went through that.  Afterall, I entered a state of mild depression.  It was a major shock to realize that I was, for the first time in my life, unable to dictate the circumstances of how I lived.  Depression sent me back to smoking, a habit that I had recently given up.  I gained weight, I was never a small guy to begin with, but I was in reasonably good shape until that point.  I went from 210 pounds to over 250.  But every night she came home, I would hope that she would consent to having sex.  And it never happened.  It was over a month when I broached the subject with her.  Because we had such a strong marriage, I knew that I could talk to her about anything.  Including this.  But, instead of helping matters, it made it worse.  She claimed that I didnt understand what it felt like to work as hard as she did (keeping in mind that my previous job led me to 40-70 hour work weeks on a regular basis), and that she was just too tired when she got home.  Even after several attempts to let her know how unhappy I was sexually, she either wouldnt or couldnt do anything about it.

Enter social media.  Since I was home all day playing Mr Mom, I tended to spend a lot of time on the various social media networks.  On a regular boring, house is cleaned, kids are happy day, an old friend found me online and started chatting.  After a week or so, I found out that she was similarly unhappy with the current events of her own life.  After several weeks of flirting, it turned into video chats... VERY video chats.  She made the suggestion of taking the next logical step.  Actually meeting each other in person.  The first moment involved me just stopping by her house one day, and we just chatted for a few minutes before I left.  Admittedly, I had an erection the entire conversation. I tried to hide it by keeping it right down the seam of my shorts, but khakis arent very helpful in disguising such things.  It certainly did not go unnoticed.  A week later, we meet up at a local greenway.  Kind of like a park, but its nothing but mostly secluded walking trails.  And thats when it happened.  For all of the physical attraction I had for this woman, I couldnt even keep it up.  I was rock hard just having a conversation with her, but when it came time to perform, I just couldnt.  To my surprise, a week later, she contacts me to try again.  At this point, I think it was a pride thing that kicked in, and against my better judgement (not that Ive displayed my best choices recently, anyways) I agreed.  We met back on the greenway a few days later with the intentions of just a walk and a talk, then back to a hotel or at least the car.  The sun had just set, and holding hands turned into kissing, turned into making out, turned into some of the best sex I had ever had.

This went on for several weeks until personal circumstances forced her to stop seeing me.  But by then, I was hooked.  Not emotionally.  Well... not in the strictest definition of "emotion".  I was hooked on the fact that not only was I capable of having sex with more than my right hand, I had experienced a passion and desire I thought had long since evaporated.  Again, I expressed my desires to my wife, and was shrugged off as before.  So, I started some innocent flirtations with a couple of other friends.  One was married, but not quite happily.  The other, a single mother of three.  Both had something I wanted.  And both needed something they werent getting in their everyday lives.  A man to listen to them.  To pay attention to them.  Someone to give to them as much as they gave.  Over the course of a couple of years, I have had long term discreet relationships with both women.  Stopping when the not so happily married one got pregnant (not mine!) and the single mother found a man that could take care of her in every way that I couldnt (Yes she knew I was married.  Yes she understood that I was there basically for just sex.  And yes, I gave her (both women, really) as much caring emotional support as I could).  It has been several months since I have been with either woman now.

During the time that I was actively cheating, I still coveted every moment I was able to spend with my wife.  And now that I was receiving the sexual gratification, and the emotional fulfillment of being desired, and feeling the passion that I had almost never gotten from my wife, I had stopped talking to her about how horrible I thought my sex life was.

This is where my initial statement rings true for me. I truly feel that without me asking for sex, she was able initiate it when she wanted it, and make it feel like it wasnt a chore for her to satisfy me.  At no point did I once consider leaving her.  But there was a need there that she was no longer providing.  I was able to have need filled without her doing it when she really didnt truly want it.  Once I found another job and she was able to fall back into the roll in our life that she is more comfortable with, her sex drive has started to pick back up.  But I still cheat on her, though much less often, and not very recently.  Why, you may ask?  And it is answered with, "Im bored".  Again, I love her.  More than any word can ever do justice.  But the sex is the same.  Same position.  Same toy.  No oral, giving or receiving, and I happen to love both.  So, now, I have the emotional gratification of being with the woman I love.  I have the physical gratification that my right hand cant fulfill.

Again, it is a subject that has been brought up many times with my wife.  The response I get is generally the same every time.  "If it isnt broke, why fix it???"  It doesnt matter how many ways I try to tell her that it ISNT working for me the way it is for her.  It really does NEED to be fixed.  But because it works for HER, it isnt broken.

So, I turn to a different source to fill that more "adventurous" side that she is unwilling (or unable) to fulfill.
But here's the thing... it has all saved my marriage.  Whether I had asked for a divorce because I was sexually deprived, or because she asked for a divorce because I pushed her too hard to do something she didnt want to do, it would end the same way.  Divorce.  But now she's happy with what we have.  I'm happy with what we have.  And we are happily married. 

It may seem a bit unorthodox to think that cheating has provided a level of happiness in my relationship, but it truly has.  I neither condone, nor condemn cheating on a spouse.  I believe that if the circumstance warrant it, it can be a helpful tool in relieving tension in a relationship. Ergo, it has saved my marriage.
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Anonymous
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« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2014, 11:30:27 PM »

There's a difference between being married, and having a marriage. You, sir, are only married.
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Anonymous
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« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2014, 04:53:16 PM »

Thank you so much for sharing this with us.   I think there may be some other folks here that can relate to what you and your wife have gone through.  The previous post brings up an interesting topic, a whole lot of food for thought.  "Having a marriage vs. being married"   
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Anonymous
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« Reply #3 on: July 07, 2014, 08:32:28 PM »

I knew that I would get a less than warm response from some people.  However, it has truly led to a stronger relationship between my wife and I, even though she isnt aware of it.

Can I claim it was the best course of action?  Not hardly.  But when all lines of communication end up in a dismal failure, it was an option that ended up working wonders for me.  When it was a choice between separation or cheating, I still feel like the ends justified the means.
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Anonymous
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« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2014, 12:19:27 AM »

I think yours is an incredibly sad situation all the way around. You're having to sneak around to get the kind of emotional and sexual connection that you're supposed experience in a healthy marriage; nonetheless, you are violating your wife's trust and your marriage vows, and all the while you claim you love your wife and you are happy. Sorry if you think this is "a less than warm reception", but I'm just not buying it. I am actually very sympathetic to you (working under the assumption you're telling the whole unvarnished truth). I think you're trying to convince yourself that your situation is awesome. But to me, it sounds like it sucks. Big time.
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sumit_melb
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« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2014, 12:18:39 AM »

I have been married 3 yrs , but I have never  restricted myself sexually to just one partner .I have a strict criteria when it comes to having sex outside marriage .it's like a code , I only sleep with a girl I trust , with a girl  who knws  we r only in for sex , we nvr complicate each others life  . Currently it's only very close girl friends , who I hav knwn since university days . My wife doesn't know about this , I don't intend to share  this part of my life with her . We r the happiest cpl around .we have very healthy sex life at home .I have nvr had any issues , it feels normal to me . This is the first time , I have ever mentioned this to anyone .
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Anonymous
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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2014, 09:59:48 PM »

Then it sound like you, unlike so many, understand where I am coming from.  It also sounds like that your criteria matched mine.  The three women I was with, I trusted each of them explicitly.  I knew each of them very well.  Each of them knew and agreed that it was only for sex for me.  It was almost a trade.  I treated them the way that they werent being treated at home.  I made them feel wanted.  Sexy.  Beautiful.  Things that many husbands take for granted so often.  And it made them more than willing to give me what I needed.  In many ways, the same things that they needed.  To feel wanted.  To realize that I was still able to show passion and desire.  It was beneficial for me and the other women.

And thank you for sharing.
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sumit_melb
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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2014, 10:59:46 PM »

I really liked sharing this . I believe we all r unique and therefore we all hav r own way of interacting with social norms such as marriage .it's not like one size fits all . I like being married but at the same time I hav a need , a urge to hav sex with other women . And as long as it is consensual sex with an adult , and I m not creating problems in her or my wife's life .I dont see anything wrong with that.
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Anonymous
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« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2016, 04:07:20 PM »

My personal situation is similar. Three kids, we both work, and life is busy. My wife has zero sex drive and I have an insane thirst. I am no saint--after 10 years of working on trying to sync our sexual desires (or lack thereof) I caved and went to a massage parlour. I justified it in my mind that my wife didn't want to do it, so it was doing her a favour getting it done elsewhere.  Although it was just a hand job, I was naked with another woman and the guilt that has brought me eats me up in side.

It fixed nothing in my situation. I had honestly considered an affair, but had to step back and look at the situation. I personally could not do that to my wife--I loved my marriage too much to risk getting caught.  I was also afraid of hurting my new mistress.  In my experience all of my "close calls"  started out with harmless flirtation. We stroked each other's egos and as I felt it moving forward I put a stop to it…and in each of those three situations that come to mind the female I was flirting with was hurt.  Imagine the mess I'd be in if Ihad have gone into a relationship with them, or the hurt they would experience when I broke it off.

That said--my marriage is still struggling. My wife will have sex just to shut me up--yep it's boring and I have actually started telling her to wait until she is into it b/c I want passion and I want love.  In my situation my wife works a FT professional job, as do I.  I have taken over 80% of domestic duties as well due to her depression and difficulty handling things.

We continue to work on things and hopefully one day it will all come together. 
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Anonymous
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« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2020, 08:16:51 AM »

My marriage eventually ran its course but when my wife initially  confessed to cheating on me with several different guys over the first few years I was far from overjoyed but it was actually a relief that they were random hook ups purely for sex and not full blown affairs.
   To spice up the sexual part of our relationship we engaged in hook ups with one couple and a few different guys in MMFs. Her cheating was the result of her disatisfaction with my very tiny penis and unreliable stamina when actually fucking. Before we were married she thought the sex was alright but eventually became bored with just alright and although she never thought size mattered so much she admitted my cock was way smaller than any guy she had ever been with.
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