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Author *Topic: The real reason I have not come back to O  (Read 625 times)
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BestinDK
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« on: April 23, 2020, 09:54:34 AM »

Trigger warnings: Self harm, anxiety, mention of abuse

First off, I hope everyone is well and staying safe and not joining the protesters out protesting social distancing by gathering (fucking idiots). I want to thank everyone for the messages and comments on the pics I have been able to share since I stepped away from O in September. I see a lot has changed and I feel like I don't know anyone anymore. Now, for the real reason I am making this post...

A lot of you know that a suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, some manic depression episodes and chronic pain. My newest (altho only new to be diagnosed but not new to me since I have had presenting symptoms since I as 4) diagnosis is OCD and PTSD (due to abuse from my father when I was 4). These both present themselves in the way of self harm in me. I struggle and have been struggling nearly daily with this since I was young. Due to the increase in stress and how life as changed in the past few months due to Corvid19, they have present as a constant reminder to me that I am not well and need to finally get some help. Of course, I decided to seek help when there is no one there to help (professionally) due to lock downs. Typical me.

Anyhow, what all this means is that it is getting harder and harder for me to hide my near constant need to hurt myself, albeit subconsciously and not in my control. I cannot take pics without being super critical of my scars, my wounds, or my imperfections, which then leads to feeling horrible about myself. I have become very good at covering myself in ways that doesn't show what I don't want people to see.

So, why am I telling you all this?

I have learned that sometimes you can gain strength in not fighting your battles alone, but please realize that I am not looking for pity or any of that bullshit, nor do I need messages of "you look great" and the like. I need to face this and stop ignoring it or hiding behind it. I have a problem and am trying to get help for it.

So there you go, the real reason I have not come back to O like I used to. I am afraid that I am not good enough for it, that I am too fucked up in the head to be in the presence of such awesome people, and to save Mani the headache of needing to check to make sure I am behaving and not being a cunt to people (I am working on this, but I do not always have control of over it). I would one day love to come back and enjoy this place like i used to, to go on cam and post more pics, to interact with you all, but until I get myself under control, that will not be happening. I will check in from time to time and see how people are doing, and let you know how I am doing (if you care to know).

Take care of yourself out there, wherever you are.

Much love,
Lex  Love
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BestinDK Tongue

No part of this post or PM can be copied, edited, or re-posted without written permission from me. That goes for my pics, vids or any other content posted on my profile or site by me. Thanks
cht_wilcox
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2020, 10:51:48 AM »

Bestin-
I have personal experience w/ things you just brought up. I really get where your coming from and just want to cast out my appreciation for your honesty and bravery. Do whatcha gotta do!!! And when you feel self-doubt just pop back in here for a minute and get some moral support...or teasing...or camaraderie, or whatever...or not.
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okiedokee
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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2020, 10:30:45 PM »

Sometimes there are no words that will fix something.... but just a hug from a friend to let you know that you are not alone.


(((((((((((((  Lex  ))))))))))))))))        Good vibes and thoughts for you.
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scorpiowoman
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« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2020, 10:38:14 PM »

Bestin, Social distancing is limiting however there are therapists here are offering online appointments perhaps you can find someone close to you.   You are not alone, we all fights demons... but not everyone has the strength to say it.   So brave!
big hugs!
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CJ_82
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« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2020, 12:53:13 AM »

I know social anxiety all too well, and I wish you the best with it.
Best of luck, and please take care of yourself.
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Meeohmy
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« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2020, 06:42:32 PM »

You could be telling my story.  I also have those ailments and  I disappear from social media all the time....  Hope you do well...
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A_Yarndd
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« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2020, 09:14:00 AM »

I find this subject matter personally-difficult but I wish you all the best Lex.
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robedmasseur
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2020, 01:20:29 PM »

Given all you have going on, that must have been so difficult to put out there. Yes the lockdown is making it so much harder for people to get in-person help, but a lot of friends are leaning on othersusing the Internet, reaching so much further than normal when life was normal (whatever that means to each individual).  Thankyou for the heads-up - I hope you do reach out when you need some support, or just someone to unload on - its not that same as being there, but better than thinking nobody cares, because we - and I - sure do. And the advantage of the 'Interwebs is theres someone here from most timezones 24x7.
When you think nobody is listening, holler - I bet you'll find support, or a listening ear, is only seconds away.

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charlie57
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« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2020, 03:49:01 PM »

Stay safe and keep well.
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dog_tired
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« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2020, 10:22:34 PM »

 Love
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FireDawg10
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« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2020, 12:05:08 AM »

Aw, Bestin,

Not nearly the same but I had an ex that suffered through mental and physical abuse and she suffered from horribly crippling anxiety and depression (we're actually still very good friends today just no longer in a relationship). She managed to overcome all of that and with the exceptions of some minor outbreaks now and then is doing much better now and is very happy and content with herself and her life. I wish that same good luck and good fortune on you that you can someday be able to do that as well. Please make sure you check in with us from time to time.
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Rosie
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« Reply #11 on: April 29, 2020, 03:24:58 AM »

with you ...
hugs
x
Rosie
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naughtyron
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« Reply #12 on: May 08, 2020, 09:51:06 AM »

Amazing post, I admire your honesty and openness to share this. Thank you.
I find it really important also for all others who feel even part of what you feel to know that they are not alone.
Hope you'll feel better soon.  Love
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obeo1
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« Reply #13 on: May 18, 2020, 10:05:44 PM »

I to have experience with this. So youíre not alone. PTSD...bad. Abuse and war. Two years ago I took a blade to my wrist while I was sitting in my cubicle having a breakdown at work after everyone left for the night. Luckily Iím not normally at work at 11 pm and usually always answer my phone, so people came looking. They found me on the floor blue faces and in a puddle of my own blood. Crashed twice on the way to hospital. But here I am. I can promise you everyday is a battle. But everyday you tell yourself this means you survived yesterday and will do so again. We are all here for you.
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